To follow in an odd fashion, I'm posting again just one day after my previous verbal vomit. Goodness me, what is taking over? Perhaps boredom? Or an inexplicable need to find a hobby or something I enjoy. Think I'll err more towards the later.
Do you know that I never know what I'm going to write about until I'm half way through writing it? Even then it's subject to change. To be honest, I never know what I've written about until I finish it. Curioser and curioser said Alice.
I think, to start off with, this is just tid bits of nothing-ness. Although, nothing is ever really nothing. If you had enough energy to say it and enough brains to think up the statement/question/objection then it must have some foundation and mean something to you and if not you, then somebody else.
Sometimes, I just say things so that I'm not the only one left out of the conversation being the quiet owl and sometimes I say things before I have the brain capacity to tell my tongue to, quite politely, shut up.
Same thing comes with writing, however my brain capacity usually tells me to proof-read whatever I have written to make sure I haven't doubled up on words or left one out due to a brain working faster than my fingers on the keyboard. Rarely does this happen as I think my touch typing skills (courtesy of a wonderful mother and technical job) can outrun any thoughts that may be constantly populating in my head... who am I kidding. The brain always works faster. That is courtesy of God giving me a brain. The only thing I dislike about that is the overtime. I mean, you can finish work, come home, forget about the job, but the brain is like a constant double-time full-time job. Imagine this, it's 2am, you've been woken up by some twitch of a muscle and then you start thinking... and keep thinking... and can't stop thinking. We're all familiar with this. The only way to put myself to sleep is by doing something repetitive that still somehow occupies my little grey brain cells. For me, it's saying Hail Marys. Takes me back to praying the rosary and counting how many I can pray. Rarely will I make it past 10 before I'm back in the land of nod. And this, my dear friends, is the only thing that stops my brain. I know God wants me to sleep... heck, if he didn't I would have died of exhaustion by now and I strongly doubt that's His plan with my life. Imagine that! God creating us only to have us die of exhaustion because He won't let us sleep. If anybody actually thinks that about their own lives, you probably see rainbow unicorns too. If that's you, stop on the prescriptionless self medication, it's bad for you.
Don't ever think that it's a bad thing that you think so much. Normally, those that do are higher prone to depression. Yes, this indeed 'sucks'. But... your brain was given to you for a reason. To use it. You are smart, you are clever, you are a human being that is given life to not only live and use to His glory but also to help others. Generally helping others is to His glory. You can use the time you think to pray. You can use it to pray for yourself, for your loved ones, for your pets, your job, your finances, your best friends. If you put this much energy into praying as you do to introverted thoughts or just random thoughts in general (for those less inwardly consumed), then you can put all that prayer and thought and love into others that need it. Even your enemies or old foes.
If you have trouble sleeping tonight, or find yourself exhausted and unable to cope with the world, take that last little bit of strength you have, make a resolve, and start praying. Start for yourself it always seems to be easier to slip into it that way, then once you've finished spraying all your emotional thoughts out there into the heavens, pray for others. Guaranteed you will fall asleep, feel better or both. If you don't, open that bottle of wine, have half a glass, find some carbs and go back to bed (I always fancy croissants). If you're averse to half an alcoholic beverage to lull you to sleep, have a glass of milk. If you're lactose intolerant, perhaps look at valerian and if you're averse to sleeping pills... get a brick and knock yourself on the head. I hear it can lead to comas or concussions but seriously what else is there to do? All ideas welcome as I've tried all of the above minus the brick for the sheer simple fact that I have no bricks lying around my bedroom and I don't wish to harm the guitars...
Rest easy my friends, tomorrow is a big day. It's a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.
Elizabeth
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Monday, 26 January 2015
Being Outspoken
Dearest Internet Abyss,
How I have missed this blank white space and blinking cursor. What a comforting, home-like feeling I get seeing you open on my screen.
To be honest, the thought of looking at you and having to write is nothing but terrifying. The inner doubt coming out to taunt me, saying 'you won't know what to write, you can't write, you'll sound like an idiot.' Well ha-ha to you brain! I win. I am writing.
Now that we have overcome the misgivings of typing thoughts/feelings/expressions and posting them forever into a sea of words that can come back to haunt me one day... I feel just as paranoid as ever. The misgivings will never leave. The constant self-doubt and self-hate is but the daily torment pressed upon us. Forever there, in our hearts, in our heads, lurking behind any self confidence we project. Truthfully, the self confidence I project is all false, it's just a face. I tell myself that I am confident and not intimidated by anybody or anything and I can feel free to be who I am! And yet... on the inside the squirming little girl still sits, waiting for the fearful moment when someone admonishes an action or berates a word that I have said.
Over time and as a person ages, the caring factor when it comes to sharing opinions or voicing concerns becomes less and less. An analogy I heard one day best translates this way...
When you are born, you have an infinite amount of cents to give.
As you grow up, learning, you give away so many cents to learn about things and people.
As you go through high school, you start learning not to give your cents away so easily as they are shot down the drain at anybody's earliest convenience.
When you get older you start to see that you used to have so many cents, but now have barely any and so you choose to sparingly give out these cents... to people you love, people you call best friends, to your career.
Then, when you are old, you are out of cents, you've given them all away, so just don't give a single cent.
For formality purposes and the wish to not be crude, but a polite writer, I have changed the word in question to 'cents' as it has been a well known phrase '2 cents worth' for some time now I thought it would translate fairly easily. I'm sure you understand the point.
Basically, I have reached the stage in my life where confidence is still struck down by the little girl in the corner of my mind, but the cents that I have stored up for her to hold weight over what I say and do are in short supply and so I monitor their distribution carefully.
I give very few cents when it comes to voicing my opinions or point of view. Obviously, we must be careful and deliberate in how we express these thoughts and feelings that we have in order to not offend or sound like an arrogant egoist. For the most part I like to believe I am careful in this respect but must admit we are all flawed and I most likely fail in more ways than I would like to admit to myself. I do believe, however, that I accept other people for what they believe and how they think and the views that they share and am careful not to shout them down with my protestations of 'but you're wrong!'
Lesson here - Have the confidence to say what you feel, be honest, share your opinion! But always be mindful of the other people around you, whom you speak to. They have battered self confidence, feelings and opinions too.
A clever lesson I once learned from the man I love most in my life is this - Information is best taken in sober, with a clear head, but information is best going out when you've had a beverage or two.
Be mindful of this! Everybody knows that wine or spirits are your little voices killer. They hide them, kidnap them for a while and leave you alone with whatever it is you want to say or do. This can be a good thing in an exam when you need to find that information on law #101 that's tucked in the back of your brain somewhere but you just can't get it out. But it can also be a bad thing when at work functions and your boss asks you what you think of your job and you turn around all guns blazing and say 'well, it's pretty shit if you ask me' and follow through with a ridiculous 70's dance move that leaves you falling on your knees spilling the contents of your glass. What a waste...
Be precise with what you say and mean it. If you feel something strongly enough, what have you got to lose by saying it? Obviously, weigh up your options first. For example, if you have a job that absolutely sucks, it drains the life out of you, don't go and tell your boss to shove it where the sun don't shine unless you have another job lined up directly after (even then, good references are hard to get, try leaving any workplace on good terms if you can help it). Then, on the other hand, you could be in a relationship for 6 months absolutely busting to say the L word. Seriously, after 6 months I'm hoping you'd know if you love someone or not. Say it! Either they'll say it back and you'll live happily ever after (or so the stories say) or they won't be able to say it back and yes you will go through some heartbreak but hey, you just saved yourself so much more time that you could have spent finding Mr. or Mrs. Right!
Learn to love your opinions and accept your feelings. Try holding an opinion because you have founding knowledge and a basic understanding of whatever it is you hold an opinion about, but don't ever be ashamed to have one! Understand your feelings and that you WILL feel them and need time to get over certain ones. We were made a certain way, in the form of our Creator. Appreciate that.
Live long and prosper everyone,
Elizabeth
How I have missed this blank white space and blinking cursor. What a comforting, home-like feeling I get seeing you open on my screen.
To be honest, the thought of looking at you and having to write is nothing but terrifying. The inner doubt coming out to taunt me, saying 'you won't know what to write, you can't write, you'll sound like an idiot.' Well ha-ha to you brain! I win. I am writing.
Now that we have overcome the misgivings of typing thoughts/feelings/expressions and posting them forever into a sea of words that can come back to haunt me one day... I feel just as paranoid as ever. The misgivings will never leave. The constant self-doubt and self-hate is but the daily torment pressed upon us. Forever there, in our hearts, in our heads, lurking behind any self confidence we project. Truthfully, the self confidence I project is all false, it's just a face. I tell myself that I am confident and not intimidated by anybody or anything and I can feel free to be who I am! And yet... on the inside the squirming little girl still sits, waiting for the fearful moment when someone admonishes an action or berates a word that I have said.
Over time and as a person ages, the caring factor when it comes to sharing opinions or voicing concerns becomes less and less. An analogy I heard one day best translates this way...
When you are born, you have an infinite amount of cents to give.
As you grow up, learning, you give away so many cents to learn about things and people.
As you go through high school, you start learning not to give your cents away so easily as they are shot down the drain at anybody's earliest convenience.
When you get older you start to see that you used to have so many cents, but now have barely any and so you choose to sparingly give out these cents... to people you love, people you call best friends, to your career.
Then, when you are old, you are out of cents, you've given them all away, so just don't give a single cent.
For formality purposes and the wish to not be crude, but a polite writer, I have changed the word in question to 'cents' as it has been a well known phrase '2 cents worth' for some time now I thought it would translate fairly easily. I'm sure you understand the point.
Basically, I have reached the stage in my life where confidence is still struck down by the little girl in the corner of my mind, but the cents that I have stored up for her to hold weight over what I say and do are in short supply and so I monitor their distribution carefully.
I give very few cents when it comes to voicing my opinions or point of view. Obviously, we must be careful and deliberate in how we express these thoughts and feelings that we have in order to not offend or sound like an arrogant egoist. For the most part I like to believe I am careful in this respect but must admit we are all flawed and I most likely fail in more ways than I would like to admit to myself. I do believe, however, that I accept other people for what they believe and how they think and the views that they share and am careful not to shout them down with my protestations of 'but you're wrong!'
Lesson here - Have the confidence to say what you feel, be honest, share your opinion! But always be mindful of the other people around you, whom you speak to. They have battered self confidence, feelings and opinions too.
A clever lesson I once learned from the man I love most in my life is this - Information is best taken in sober, with a clear head, but information is best going out when you've had a beverage or two.
Be mindful of this! Everybody knows that wine or spirits are your little voices killer. They hide them, kidnap them for a while and leave you alone with whatever it is you want to say or do. This can be a good thing in an exam when you need to find that information on law #101 that's tucked in the back of your brain somewhere but you just can't get it out. But it can also be a bad thing when at work functions and your boss asks you what you think of your job and you turn around all guns blazing and say 'well, it's pretty shit if you ask me' and follow through with a ridiculous 70's dance move that leaves you falling on your knees spilling the contents of your glass. What a waste...
Be precise with what you say and mean it. If you feel something strongly enough, what have you got to lose by saying it? Obviously, weigh up your options first. For example, if you have a job that absolutely sucks, it drains the life out of you, don't go and tell your boss to shove it where the sun don't shine unless you have another job lined up directly after (even then, good references are hard to get, try leaving any workplace on good terms if you can help it). Then, on the other hand, you could be in a relationship for 6 months absolutely busting to say the L word. Seriously, after 6 months I'm hoping you'd know if you love someone or not. Say it! Either they'll say it back and you'll live happily ever after (or so the stories say) or they won't be able to say it back and yes you will go through some heartbreak but hey, you just saved yourself so much more time that you could have spent finding Mr. or Mrs. Right!
Learn to love your opinions and accept your feelings. Try holding an opinion because you have founding knowledge and a basic understanding of whatever it is you hold an opinion about, but don't ever be ashamed to have one! Understand your feelings and that you WILL feel them and need time to get over certain ones. We were made a certain way, in the form of our Creator. Appreciate that.
Live long and prosper everyone,
Elizabeth
Friday, 13 June 2014
Pursuit Of Happiness
It's been a while blogger-sphere. How's it doing?
I found my blog again after a year away almost to the day. How time flies when you're having fun.
It's been eventful, including all the ups and downs expected over a 12 month period, but the biggest thing I've learned has been happiness. Happiness has come from a multitude of things, but the biggest thing it has come from has been acting on my mothers advice. You know when someone tells you something and you know it's right and you understand it... but you don't understand it fully. Well, it was like that. My ever so wise, loving mother told me that to move on in life I need to let go of all the things in my past that hold me back, even without realising it.
I made many mistakes in the past year, but they were all a learning curve once again. I realise the decisions I make in the future may also be mistakes, but I'm willing to accept that and just move forward with what I believe is right at the time. That's all we can do.
I let go of something big a couple of months ago that has taken such stress and painful anguish away from me and lifted the biggest burden in my life off my shoulders. I said goodbye to an old friend, someone who I've known for the best part of 7 years. Sometimes things that bring us down are financial situations, living arrangements or memories. For me it was memories with a person and hoping every day that things could be just like they used to be when we first met as innocent young teens.
People change, circumstances change and expectations change. Just because one person wants something doesn't make it right and doesn't mean you should want the same thing or give it to them because you want to make them happy. First things first, yourself. How can you make someone else happy if you aren't happy yourself? Just because someone is a big part of your past, doesn't mean they have to be a big part in your future. It was a bad past, not a good one, why would I want to continue with the same miserable tone when I can change it up, take chances and be happy?
I made a choice, I wanted to be happy.
Saying goodbye was hard, it's always hard. But it was the best thing I could have done. I feel free, I feel like I have the permission to make my own choices in my own life and not be beholden to someone else.
Since that day many things have changed. I've changed the way I look at myself, the way I love and treasure my family, my friendships, jobs, cars and relationships.
I look in the mirror now and don't think that I'm ugly or fat, I just see me. Me happy in my own skin because I'm not trying to please anybody. I'm happy in who I am and this is me. I know I could look better if I stopped eating junk food and going to the gym every day and I will in time. But when I do, it will be because I want to do it for myself, not because I should look better for someone else and live up to their expectation of me.
By clearing my head of self-pity and self-doubt it gave me a fresh perspective of my family and how much they love me and treasure me. I can't describe how much that means to me, to understand the depth of their love for me because all they want is for me to make a good life for myself and be happy, just like I want for them. They are my everything and I don't know what I would do without them in my life.
It's also allowed me to open up to new friendships and invest in them. Making a new best friend who didn't expect anything from me or manipulate me but rather laugh with me at silly jokes and do anything for me without expecting a return. By loving me for me. I value these friendships because they're not selfish ones. These people just want to give to others, even if they don't deserve it. They teach me every day to be kind, not to judge, to treasure the moments and make happy memories. To live every day.
I realised that my previous workplace was doing nothing for me but bringing me down and making me miserable, making me dread waking up in the morning and leaving the house. So I took some motivation and initiative and changed it. Sometimes fresh starts can do you a world of good. Fingers crossed all goes well on my first day on Monday.
By letting go of the past and taking every chance presented in front of me for something good, I've entered into a new relationship with someone who's been one of my best friends for the past year. His character is good and he makes me laugh. He shows that he cares, he doesn't just say it. It's different, most days it just feels like I'm hanging out with my best mate, but it means we can be open and do crazy things in front of one another without fear of being judged.
I'm excited to see how everything goes in the future. Nothing is holding me back now, not even myself.
Make a decision to be happy, it's life changing.
I found my blog again after a year away almost to the day. How time flies when you're having fun.
It's been eventful, including all the ups and downs expected over a 12 month period, but the biggest thing I've learned has been happiness. Happiness has come from a multitude of things, but the biggest thing it has come from has been acting on my mothers advice. You know when someone tells you something and you know it's right and you understand it... but you don't understand it fully. Well, it was like that. My ever so wise, loving mother told me that to move on in life I need to let go of all the things in my past that hold me back, even without realising it.
I made many mistakes in the past year, but they were all a learning curve once again. I realise the decisions I make in the future may also be mistakes, but I'm willing to accept that and just move forward with what I believe is right at the time. That's all we can do.
I let go of something big a couple of months ago that has taken such stress and painful anguish away from me and lifted the biggest burden in my life off my shoulders. I said goodbye to an old friend, someone who I've known for the best part of 7 years. Sometimes things that bring us down are financial situations, living arrangements or memories. For me it was memories with a person and hoping every day that things could be just like they used to be when we first met as innocent young teens.
People change, circumstances change and expectations change. Just because one person wants something doesn't make it right and doesn't mean you should want the same thing or give it to them because you want to make them happy. First things first, yourself. How can you make someone else happy if you aren't happy yourself? Just because someone is a big part of your past, doesn't mean they have to be a big part in your future. It was a bad past, not a good one, why would I want to continue with the same miserable tone when I can change it up, take chances and be happy?
I made a choice, I wanted to be happy.
Saying goodbye was hard, it's always hard. But it was the best thing I could have done. I feel free, I feel like I have the permission to make my own choices in my own life and not be beholden to someone else.
Since that day many things have changed. I've changed the way I look at myself, the way I love and treasure my family, my friendships, jobs, cars and relationships.
I look in the mirror now and don't think that I'm ugly or fat, I just see me. Me happy in my own skin because I'm not trying to please anybody. I'm happy in who I am and this is me. I know I could look better if I stopped eating junk food and going to the gym every day and I will in time. But when I do, it will be because I want to do it for myself, not because I should look better for someone else and live up to their expectation of me.
By clearing my head of self-pity and self-doubt it gave me a fresh perspective of my family and how much they love me and treasure me. I can't describe how much that means to me, to understand the depth of their love for me because all they want is for me to make a good life for myself and be happy, just like I want for them. They are my everything and I don't know what I would do without them in my life.
It's also allowed me to open up to new friendships and invest in them. Making a new best friend who didn't expect anything from me or manipulate me but rather laugh with me at silly jokes and do anything for me without expecting a return. By loving me for me. I value these friendships because they're not selfish ones. These people just want to give to others, even if they don't deserve it. They teach me every day to be kind, not to judge, to treasure the moments and make happy memories. To live every day.
I realised that my previous workplace was doing nothing for me but bringing me down and making me miserable, making me dread waking up in the morning and leaving the house. So I took some motivation and initiative and changed it. Sometimes fresh starts can do you a world of good. Fingers crossed all goes well on my first day on Monday.
By letting go of the past and taking every chance presented in front of me for something good, I've entered into a new relationship with someone who's been one of my best friends for the past year. His character is good and he makes me laugh. He shows that he cares, he doesn't just say it. It's different, most days it just feels like I'm hanging out with my best mate, but it means we can be open and do crazy things in front of one another without fear of being judged.
I'm excited to see how everything goes in the future. Nothing is holding me back now, not even myself.
Make a decision to be happy, it's life changing.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
Make You As Lonely As Me
There's no way of dancing or prancing or hopping around the bush with this subject.
Fact is: I went to church last night and I liked it. No, correction - I loved it.
People get too touchy on this subject. The subject of religion, belief in God and the love of fellowship.
I mean, if you were to dye your hair purple and someone laughed at you and asked why you did it, you'd shrug it off and defensively say 'Because I like it.' Why can't it be like that with Jesus? Why is there a stigmata upon those who choose to have a belief and follow their moral compass? Take a trip across the water from any modern western culture to somewhere like Italy where everybody is a religious fruit-loop. They'd consider you an outsider if you didn't believe in God and go to church.
Proverbs 13:20 says:
'He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.'
Basically comes back to the idea that you become like the people you associate with. If you constantly associate with non-Christians then naturally, your walk with God will become more like a delayed picnic in the park that you have no intention of organising. However, if you surround yourself with like-minded people who live out their beliefs and worship God with what they said and how they act then you're more likely to draw closer to God because you're surrounded by good influences. The same goes for partners,
2 Corinthians 6:14 says:
'Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?'
This teaches us not to have the most important person in our life a non-believer. At the end of the day, who are you most likely to follow and become like? God, or the man/woman that you love? He should be the biggest part of our life, we should be able to share Him with the person we love the most. If you were to surround yourself by the general populace, 9 times out of 10 the chances are you won't get a convicted Christian as a spouse but a sceptical atheist.
It's not until I lived a lonely life and had contact with only people of the world that I realised just how far from Jesus I'd gotten. My solution had been to turn to alcohol to temporarily blur the issues I had instead of opening a bible and handing them over to God. To find peace, the comfort of my Saviour beats any crude jokes my colleagues could spit at me to take my mind off issues. I need to realise that I cannot solve my problems, only God can.
I have to find my way back. I know in my heart, my being, that I'm not right with God and I know that it's not a change I can make overnight. I'm fully aware that I might stumble every day and choose the world over Him, but he deserves that I try.
It can only be described as a miracle that I met some people last night who took me under their wing in an excessively large social situation and showed me what it was like to have a normal conversation and be happy, smart, everyday people that still had the undying faith in our Lord. I hope I don't isolate myself again in a tiny room in my head with the devil nitpicking at every good thought that comes to me.
Excuse the confusing analogy's, excessive rambling and cliche epiphany's. I like it that way.
Fact is: I went to church last night and I liked it. No, correction - I loved it.
People get too touchy on this subject. The subject of religion, belief in God and the love of fellowship.
I mean, if you were to dye your hair purple and someone laughed at you and asked why you did it, you'd shrug it off and defensively say 'Because I like it.' Why can't it be like that with Jesus? Why is there a stigmata upon those who choose to have a belief and follow their moral compass? Take a trip across the water from any modern western culture to somewhere like Italy where everybody is a religious fruit-loop. They'd consider you an outsider if you didn't believe in God and go to church.
Proverbs 13:20 says:
'He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.'
Basically comes back to the idea that you become like the people you associate with. If you constantly associate with non-Christians then naturally, your walk with God will become more like a delayed picnic in the park that you have no intention of organising. However, if you surround yourself with like-minded people who live out their beliefs and worship God with what they said and how they act then you're more likely to draw closer to God because you're surrounded by good influences. The same goes for partners,
2 Corinthians 6:14 says:
'Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?'
This teaches us not to have the most important person in our life a non-believer. At the end of the day, who are you most likely to follow and become like? God, or the man/woman that you love? He should be the biggest part of our life, we should be able to share Him with the person we love the most. If you were to surround yourself by the general populace, 9 times out of 10 the chances are you won't get a convicted Christian as a spouse but a sceptical atheist.
It's not until I lived a lonely life and had contact with only people of the world that I realised just how far from Jesus I'd gotten. My solution had been to turn to alcohol to temporarily blur the issues I had instead of opening a bible and handing them over to God. To find peace, the comfort of my Saviour beats any crude jokes my colleagues could spit at me to take my mind off issues. I need to realise that I cannot solve my problems, only God can.
I have to find my way back. I know in my heart, my being, that I'm not right with God and I know that it's not a change I can make overnight. I'm fully aware that I might stumble every day and choose the world over Him, but he deserves that I try.
It can only be described as a miracle that I met some people last night who took me under their wing in an excessively large social situation and showed me what it was like to have a normal conversation and be happy, smart, everyday people that still had the undying faith in our Lord. I hope I don't isolate myself again in a tiny room in my head with the devil nitpicking at every good thought that comes to me.
Excuse the confusing analogy's, excessive rambling and cliche epiphany's. I like it that way.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Lost In Translation
The votes have been cast, counted and called out. Sometimes
decisions are ours to make, sometimes they’re not. Other times you get to make
a partial choice as part of a group, voicing your opinion anonymously. In the
matter of family decisions, the large life-changing ones for more than one
person, the decision made is most often than not based on the members you most
care about and not necessarily yourself. Later on in life we may regret these
decisions because it was the beginning of the end for ourselves, or we may be
proud of the choices that we made, seeing the benefits that have come from
them.
Personally, for most of my life I haven’t stood up for what I want, but rather stayed quiet, letting the leader or majority take the role of decision maker. Whether it was because I was too young or lacked the confidence, I don’t regret staying quiet and keeping out of the situation or agreeing with whomever because I see clearly now the outcomes of those situations and the life-changing lessons my whole family has learned from them (whether good or bad). Everything in life happens for a reason. Whether it be our reasoning or God’s, it happens. All we can do is learn from the past, accept the present and look forward to the future with as much childish enthusiasm as possible, praying that God will bring good things our way.
I face a dilemma now, less than 2 weeks away from my birthday, to make a choice. I have ample time to make this decision but it doesn’t make it any easier. As we all know, time flies. I look into the big black unknown abyss in front of me, wondering what every person feels at one stage or other in their life – uncertainty. I have no clue at all what is the right decision and what is the wrong one. Being an over-thinker I take every scenario possible and run it through a million possible outcomes. The problem is that thinking over it doesn’t bring me to the right conclusion like a mathematical equation would, but rather more turmoil and uncertainty than before.
All that I can reassure myself with is that there is no wrong or right choice, merely different ones. Whatever I believe to be right is what I must run with.
The first step now is to identify the choices I can make, then discover which one sounds best.
My brain is empty, yet so full. Somewhere along the line my heart and my head got lost in translation. I wish our lives had a Rosetta Stone.
Personally, for most of my life I haven’t stood up for what I want, but rather stayed quiet, letting the leader or majority take the role of decision maker. Whether it was because I was too young or lacked the confidence, I don’t regret staying quiet and keeping out of the situation or agreeing with whomever because I see clearly now the outcomes of those situations and the life-changing lessons my whole family has learned from them (whether good or bad). Everything in life happens for a reason. Whether it be our reasoning or God’s, it happens. All we can do is learn from the past, accept the present and look forward to the future with as much childish enthusiasm as possible, praying that God will bring good things our way.
I face a dilemma now, less than 2 weeks away from my birthday, to make a choice. I have ample time to make this decision but it doesn’t make it any easier. As we all know, time flies. I look into the big black unknown abyss in front of me, wondering what every person feels at one stage or other in their life – uncertainty. I have no clue at all what is the right decision and what is the wrong one. Being an over-thinker I take every scenario possible and run it through a million possible outcomes. The problem is that thinking over it doesn’t bring me to the right conclusion like a mathematical equation would, but rather more turmoil and uncertainty than before.
All that I can reassure myself with is that there is no wrong or right choice, merely different ones. Whatever I believe to be right is what I must run with.
The first step now is to identify the choices I can make, then discover which one sounds best.
My brain is empty, yet so full. Somewhere along the line my heart and my head got lost in translation. I wish our lives had a Rosetta Stone.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This?
Things in life happen for a reason. Supposedly.
We're faced with choices everyday. Usually they're basic choices - eg. to do the dishes or not to do the dishes. However small or large they may be, some of us (or in fact a majority of us) prefer not to have to make those decisions. The small choices we make can impact not just the here and now but also the future. If you don't do the dishes now and you have unexpected guests turn up, they won't have a clean coffee cup to drink out of so now they're drinking espresso coffee out of a teapot. Classy. The upside of not having made that decision is you have an excuse or someone to blame. When you make the choice consciously there's no one to fall back on but yourself. Why aren't there any mugs? Because you were too lazy to turn off Desperate Housewives and give them a scrub. Let's face it, daytime television? Ridiculously dramatic and unfortunately enthralling.
Children love to make decisions. It gives them power. What to wear today? The bright pink leotard! They feel happy knowing they chose the red cordial over water. Little do they care that it's actually PE at school today and they will tear their tutu or that they have a maths test in an hour and the red cordial drained their brain cells something shocking in the playground, assisting them in failing the 2+2 quiz.
We all want the power, but none of us want the responsibility. How many times have you heard a self absorbed teenager saying 'But I'm willing to live with the consequences of my actions dad! Just let me go to the party!'
I made a decision not too long ago. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make and even harder to live with. I realised at the time that I might well regret it in the future, but I couldn't bear it at the time and so I did what I thought was right even though it greatly hurt me and the man involved. I look back now and think to myself what a stupid girl I was and how I should have just sucked it up and stopped being so afraid, but it's easy to think that when the memory of the emotions felt is somewhat dampened.
I believe I made the right decision for me at that point in time and I think it might have been good for him in the long run too... but it hurts regardless. I lost my best friend that day, the one I wanted to spend forever with. In my head, he is my forever.
He may have had his faults, but I have mine too. If he accepted me, why couldn't I accept him? I don't believe that two people have ever been so perfect for each other and yet so poisonous.
I'm on a new path now - a path of living with the consequences of my actions. Every year, every day, growing older and hopefully wiser comes with it's equal share of pain and guilt. I'll never know what could have been, but I grieve for what I've missed, because it was the only time I've felt so happy and I know it was his happiest time too.
No matter how much we tell our children not to grow up too quick, we can't make them listen, just like I never listened. When times like these hit, there's no going back and the long road of life kicks you in the guts.
The pain may last a long time, it may last forever, but there's no point dwelling on it. Feel it, and let it go. It's easier said than done, but I'm gonna try.
We're faced with choices everyday. Usually they're basic choices - eg. to do the dishes or not to do the dishes. However small or large they may be, some of us (or in fact a majority of us) prefer not to have to make those decisions. The small choices we make can impact not just the here and now but also the future. If you don't do the dishes now and you have unexpected guests turn up, they won't have a clean coffee cup to drink out of so now they're drinking espresso coffee out of a teapot. Classy. The upside of not having made that decision is you have an excuse or someone to blame. When you make the choice consciously there's no one to fall back on but yourself. Why aren't there any mugs? Because you were too lazy to turn off Desperate Housewives and give them a scrub. Let's face it, daytime television? Ridiculously dramatic and unfortunately enthralling.
Children love to make decisions. It gives them power. What to wear today? The bright pink leotard! They feel happy knowing they chose the red cordial over water. Little do they care that it's actually PE at school today and they will tear their tutu or that they have a maths test in an hour and the red cordial drained their brain cells something shocking in the playground, assisting them in failing the 2+2 quiz.
We all want the power, but none of us want the responsibility. How many times have you heard a self absorbed teenager saying 'But I'm willing to live with the consequences of my actions dad! Just let me go to the party!'
I made a decision not too long ago. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make and even harder to live with. I realised at the time that I might well regret it in the future, but I couldn't bear it at the time and so I did what I thought was right even though it greatly hurt me and the man involved. I look back now and think to myself what a stupid girl I was and how I should have just sucked it up and stopped being so afraid, but it's easy to think that when the memory of the emotions felt is somewhat dampened.
I believe I made the right decision for me at that point in time and I think it might have been good for him in the long run too... but it hurts regardless. I lost my best friend that day, the one I wanted to spend forever with. In my head, he is my forever.
He may have had his faults, but I have mine too. If he accepted me, why couldn't I accept him? I don't believe that two people have ever been so perfect for each other and yet so poisonous.
I'm on a new path now - a path of living with the consequences of my actions. Every year, every day, growing older and hopefully wiser comes with it's equal share of pain and guilt. I'll never know what could have been, but I grieve for what I've missed, because it was the only time I've felt so happy and I know it was his happiest time too.
No matter how much we tell our children not to grow up too quick, we can't make them listen, just like I never listened. When times like these hit, there's no going back and the long road of life kicks you in the guts.
The pain may last a long time, it may last forever, but there's no point dwelling on it. Feel it, and let it go. It's easier said than done, but I'm gonna try.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Horror
‘A picture is worth a thousand words.’
Or so they say.
If you’re using words to describe an image, there is simply
no amount you can string together to give someone the entirety of the scene in
3D visual colour (unless perhaps you and the other person are colour blind, but
even then it falls short of the mark).
I find the best way of accurately describing anything is not
through words or through images, but through experiences. People, expressions, colours, the breeze
even… is never the same in photographs as it is to see it, feel it, taste it,
hear it or smell it. The tangible cannot be substituted and that which we miss
out on experiencing with our five senses we categorise as ‘unreal’ or a
‘fantasy’.
I believe there is a sixth sense. Not the sci-fi version of
‘I see dead people’ but rather a sense of faith. Considering a majority of the
population on earth believe in a god or some higher power, it’s not exactly
easy to deny that when we believe in something, we can’t sense it. Otherwise,
why would you believe it if you can’t feel it? There’s that little nagging
cricket down in the pit of your stomach telling you that it’s real. It’s
something you can’t explain, there’s no way of knowing how or why, but fact of
the matter is it’s there and it’s real. THAT is the sixth sense.
Now I’m freaked out Freddie Krueger is going to rip his
nails into me tonight.
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