How Am I Gonna Be An Optimist About This?

Things in life happen for a reason. Supposedly.

We're faced with choices everyday. Usually they're basic choices - eg. to do the dishes or not to do the dishes. However small or large they may be, some of us (or in fact a majority of us) prefer not to have to make those decisions. The small choices we make can impact not just the here and now but also the future. If you don't do the dishes now and you have unexpected guests turn up, they won't have a clean coffee cup to drink out of so now they're drinking espresso coffee out of a teapot. Classy. The upside of not having made that decision is you have an excuse or someone to blame. When you make the choice consciously there's no one to fall back on but yourself. Why aren't there any mugs? Because you were too lazy to turn off Desperate Housewives and give them a scrub. Let's face it, daytime television? Ridiculously dramatic and unfortunately enthralling.
Children love to make decisions. It gives them power. What to wear today? The bright pink leotard! They feel happy knowing they chose the red cordial over water. Little do they care that it's actually PE at school today and they will tear their tutu or that they have a maths test in an hour and the red cordial drained their brain cells something shocking in the playground, assisting them in failing the 2+2 quiz.
We all want the power, but none of us want the responsibility. How many times have you heard a self absorbed teenager saying 'But I'm willing to live with the consequences of my actions dad! Just let me go to the party!'
I made a decision not too long ago. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make and even harder to live with. I realised at the time that I might well regret it in the future, but I couldn't bear it at the time and so I did what I thought was right even though it greatly hurt me and the man involved. I look back now and think to myself what a stupid girl I was and how I should have just sucked it up and stopped being so afraid, but it's easy to think that when the memory of the emotions felt is somewhat dampened.
I believe I made the right decision for me at that point in time and I think it might have been good for him in the long run too... but it hurts regardless. I lost my best friend that day, the one I wanted to spend forever with. In my head, he is my forever.
He may have had his faults, but I have mine too. If he accepted me, why couldn't I accept him? I don't believe that two people have ever been so perfect for each other and yet so poisonous.
I'm on a new path now - a path of living with the consequences of my actions. Every year, every day, growing older and hopefully wiser comes with it's equal share of pain and guilt. I'll never know what could have been, but I grieve for what I've missed, because it was the only time I've felt so happy and I know it was his happiest time too.
No matter how much we tell our children not to grow up too quick, we can't make them listen, just like I never listened. When times like these hit, there's no going back and the long road of life kicks you in the guts.
The pain may last a long time, it may last forever, but there's no point dwelling on it. Feel it, and let it go. It's easier said than done, but I'm gonna try.