Being Outspoken

Dearest Internet Abyss,

How I have missed this blank white space and blinking cursor. What a comforting, home-like feeling I get seeing you open on my screen.
To be honest, the thought of looking at you and having to write is nothing but terrifying. The inner doubt coming out to taunt me, saying 'you won't know what to write, you can't write, you'll sound like an idiot.' Well ha-ha to you brain! I win. I am writing.
Now that we have overcome the misgivings of typing thoughts/feelings/expressions and posting them forever into a sea of words that can come back to haunt me one day... I feel just as paranoid as ever. The misgivings will never leave. The constant self-doubt and self-hate is but the daily torment pressed upon us. Forever there, in our hearts, in our heads, lurking behind any self confidence we project. Truthfully, the self confidence I project is all false, it's just a face. I tell myself that I am confident and not intimidated by anybody or anything and I can feel free to be who I am! And yet... on the inside the squirming little girl still sits, waiting for the fearful moment when someone admonishes an action or berates a word that I have said.
Over time and as a person ages, the caring factor when it comes to sharing opinions or voicing concerns becomes less and less. An analogy I heard one day best translates this way...

When you are born, you have an infinite amount of cents to give.
As you grow up, learning, you give away so many cents to learn about things and people.
As you go through high school, you start learning not to give your cents away so easily as they are shot down the drain at anybody's earliest convenience.
When you get older you start to see that you used to have so many cents, but now have barely any and so you choose to sparingly give out these cents... to people you love, people you call best friends, to your career.
Then, when you are old, you are out of cents, you've given them all away, so just don't give a single cent.

For formality purposes and the wish to not be crude, but a polite writer, I have changed the word in question to 'cents' as it has been a well known phrase '2 cents worth' for some time now I thought it would translate fairly easily. I'm sure you understand the point.

Basically, I have reached the stage in my life where confidence is still struck down by the little girl in the corner of my mind, but the cents that I have stored up for her to hold weight over what I say and do are in short supply and so I monitor their distribution carefully.
I give very few cents when it comes to voicing my opinions or point of view. Obviously, we must be careful and deliberate in how we express these thoughts and feelings that we have in order to not offend or sound like an arrogant egoist. For the most part I like to believe I am careful in this respect but must admit we are all flawed and I most likely fail in more ways than I would like to admit to myself. I do believe, however, that I accept other people for what they believe and how they think and the views that they share and am careful not to shout them down with my protestations of 'but you're wrong!'
Lesson here - Have the confidence to say what you feel, be honest, share your opinion! But always be mindful of the other people around you, whom you speak to. They have battered self confidence, feelings and opinions too.

A clever lesson I once learned from the man I love most in my life is this - Information is best taken in sober, with a clear head, but information is best going out when you've had a beverage or two.

Be mindful of this! Everybody knows that wine or spirits are your little voices killer. They hide them, kidnap them for a while and leave you alone with whatever it is you want to say or do. This can be a good thing in an exam when you need to find that information on law #101 that's tucked in the back of your brain somewhere but you just can't get it out. But it can also be a bad thing when at work functions and your boss asks you what you think of your job and you turn around all guns blazing and say 'well, it's pretty shit if you ask me' and follow through with a ridiculous 70's dance move that leaves you falling on your knees spilling the contents of your glass. What a waste...

Be precise with what you say and mean it. If you feel something strongly enough, what have you got to lose by saying it? Obviously, weigh up your options first. For example, if you have a job that absolutely sucks, it drains the life out of you, don't go and tell your boss to shove it where the sun don't shine unless you have another job lined up directly after (even then, good references are hard to get, try leaving any workplace on good terms if you can help it). Then, on the other hand, you could be in a relationship for 6 months absolutely busting to say the L word. Seriously, after 6 months I'm hoping you'd know if you love someone or not. Say it! Either they'll say it back and you'll live happily ever after (or so the stories say) or they won't be able to say it back and yes you will go through some heartbreak but hey, you just saved yourself so much more time that you could have spent finding Mr. or Mrs. Right!

Learn to love your opinions and accept your feelings. Try holding an opinion because you have founding knowledge and a basic understanding of whatever it is you hold an opinion about, but don't ever be ashamed to have one! Understand your feelings and that you WILL feel them and need time to get over certain ones. We were made a certain way, in the form of our Creator. Appreciate that.

Live long and prosper everyone,
Elizabeth